Losing my religion

We eat pretty well. And by well, I mean we eat reasonably healthy food, prepared by a really crappy cook. And the guy who makes pizza at Whole Foods.

For me, food has become disappointingly faith-based and I just don't feel a sense of belonging. I follow the rules. I eat blueberries and flax seeds. I substitute yogurt for mayonnaise. I write DANGER: DEATH IS IMMINENT with a Sharpie on the husband's (toxic aluminum) can of Diet Coke. I am an active, pay-my-dues participant in the Church of Food but apparently the road to enlightenment in this religion is a confusing one, requiring committed study. Not just Eat, Pray, Love which, until recently, I thought was just a self-help book about eating too much and asking for forgiveness.

The current teachings in the Book of Health are:

If you wish to be cancer-free with a life expectancy of 107, eat broccoli. Only, eat it raw because actually cooking it strips it of all health benefits, which means you just ate a nutrient-free house plant for dinner. You're likely deficient of vitamin D, a hormone known to increase bone health and fight various forms of cancer. To increase vitamin D levels, make sure to get natural sunlight for 20 minutes a day without sunscreen. Unless, like me, you've been previously diagnosed with a pesky melanoma and live in Chicago, city of darkness. Ah, but wait! Milk is packed with calcium and vitamin D, so grab the nonfat variety and drink up. Unless you're concerned that cow's milk is not meant for human consumption and creates cancer-feeding mucus in the body. Who needs milk when you can sip antioxidant-rich red wine? Just be careful of the sugar, however, because it leads to diabetes and obesity.

So anyway, now I'm totally into Scientology.