Dinner with Oprah

Oprah began her new season this week. I'm sure I didn't need to tell you that. Can I get a woop woop ladies? That's right. Putcha hands UP. Ok, I'll stop now.

Because I record it every day and think about it the last 3 hours of work, it's really my only first priority when I arrive home. As a result, dinner stinks suffers a little.

The First Week of New Oprah Survival Plan works like this: Think in terms of quick, defrostable results that still require a stove. Then, buy as much frozen food as possible and some sort of really powerful bottled sauce, so the quality of the food is completely masked. This will save you, at the very least, the entire hour needed to enjoy uninterrupted, sobbing-if-you're-lucky, Oprah bliss. When it's over, dry your eyes, pry yourself off the couch, dump a whole lotta frozen food into a pan and douse it with sauce.

When he arrives, appear moderately (don't overdo it, Oprah promotes honesty) exhausted and say something breathless like, "I sure hope you like chicken and fresh vegetable stir-fry."

In the end, he doesn't starve and you probably learned how to live your best life, help children in Africa and all about how Whitney Houston laced doobies with rock cocaine.

Basically, you and Oprah made dinner together. You're welcome.