The Die-et

I'm on a diet. Some "South Beach" nonsense - the one that strips you of all that is pleasing, satisfying and fulfilling in life. This isn't South Beach. I walk to work in a ski mask 8 months out of the year. Carbs keep me warm.

I had that moment this weekend. The one where you look at yourself and say, today is the day. Today, I begin work toward complete hotness -the kind of hotness only carblessness can provide. Today, I book my flight...to the South Beach. I tried to convince the husband to come along on my journey to bikinis and high heels (they always wear high heels with their bikinis in "the South Beach"), but he said we'd talk about it after the Cubs game.

I spent all evening yesterday preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner for the days ahead. Lean meat, lowfat cheese, skim milk, nuts o' moderation, sugar free puddings for someone please kill me an extra special tasty dessert. Vegetable salad, taco salad, my soul has been ripped out salmon salad, celery and hummus, celery with peanut butter, I'd rather stab myself celery with cottage cheese. It's actually quite lovely. I really recommend it.

Today at Whole Foods, when I was picking up a few extra "goodies," like edamame, this very kind, clearly carb-consuming woman offered me a free sample of her oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I politely said, "No, thank you. I'm on a very special diet. It's the South Beach. You know, like the skinnies in high heels and bikinis. Not like the Golden Girls. That's Miami. I can see how that might be confusing."

Then I grabbed one, as well as the one the guy behind me was hoping for. But he wasn't fast enough, was he? No, he wasn't.

Diet starts first thing tomorrow.